Definitions of Accountants
Newton’s Laws of Accounting
Top 10 Signs Your Accountant is Nuts
Top 10 Signs You’ve Hired a Bad Accountant
Top 10 Pick-Up Lines of Accountants
Top 10 Ways To Make Doing Your Taxes More Fun
Top 10 Signs You Work in Public Accounting/Consulting
You Might Be An Accountant If…
If Excel Were a Car…
Ever wonder why they call it a Form 1040?
For every $50 you earn, you get $10, they get $40.
How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?
How much money do you have?
What is the definition of a good tax accountant?
Someone who has a loophole named after him.
When does a person decide to become an accountant?
When he realizes he doesn’t have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.
What does an accountant use for birth control?
What’s an extroverted accountant?
One who looks at your shoes while he is talking to you instead of his own.
What is an auditor?
Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets the wounded.
Why did the auditor cross the road?
Because he looked in the file and that’s what they did last year.
Why did the auditor get run over crossing the road?
Auditors never actually do the risk assessment well until after the accident happens.
How do you drive an accountant completely insane?
Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold a road map the wrong way.
What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don’t?
If an accountant’s wife cannot sleep what does she say?
“Darling, tell me about your work.”
What did the accountant say when he got a blank check?
My deductions have at last caught up with the salary.
What did the accountant say when he looked at the tax form?
The man who set the standard deduction must have been a bachelor. I am lying when I am listing myself as a head of household.
Why the accountant started smoking?
So he can deduct cigarettes from his income tax. Called it loss by fire. So his medical expenses went above the 71/2% threshold.
How does an accountant stay out of debt?
He learns to act his wage.
Where do homeless accountants live?
In a tax shelter.
Did you hear about the constipated accountant?
He couldn’t budget so he had to work it out with paper and pencil.
Did you hear about the shy and retiring accountant?
The accountant is $1 million shy and hence is retiring.
There are just three types of accountants: those who can count and those who can’t.
Definitions of Accountants
Definition of an Accountant – Someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.
If an accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing, then surely an accountant is someone who costs everything and is worth nothing!
Definition of an Auditor – One who arrives after the battle is lost and bayonets the wounded.
Definition of an Attorney – One who arrives after the auditor and strips the bodies.
Definition of an Actuary – An accountant without a sense of humor.
Definition of an Economist – Someone who didn’t have enough personality to become an accountant.
Newton’s Laws of Accounting
1. For every accountant, there is equal and opposite accountant.
2. Both of them are wrong.
Top 10 Signs Your Accountant is Nuts – © David Letterman
10. In several places on your tax forms, he’s written, “Give or take a million dollars.”
9. Tells you to put all your money into British cattle futures.
8. You notice that his “calculator” is just a broken VCR remote.
7. Insists that there is no such number as four.
6. He laughed at Bob Dole background check (I am sorry – that’s a sign he is hypnotized).
5. Counts family of squirrels living in your yard as dependents.
4. Advises to save you postage by filing your taxes telepathically.
3. Instead of a CPA license, he’s got a framed photo of a shirtless Alex Trebek.
2. Demands that you call “Una-countant.”
1. He’s got a 1040 form tattooed on his ……….
Top 10 Signs You’ve Hired a Bad Accountant – © David Letterman
10. You hear him on the phone saying, “Have I ever let you down, Leona?”
9. Instead of IRS, sends your completed tax return to UPS
8. His “short form” looks suspiciously like a cocktail napkin
7. He lets you list your imaginary friend as dependent
6. Lists every time you laughed at Letterman as “charitable donation”
5. Used to be some kind of financial big-shot in Orange County
4. Announced he donated all your assets to O.J.’s defense fund
3. On the 1040, he lists your occupation as “sucker”
2. At least five times, he says “here’s a little trick I taught Darryl Strawberry.”
1. He makes you wear a hospital gown
Top 10 Pick-Up Lines of Accountants – © David Letterman
10.”You’ve got a lovely pair of W-2’s.”
9.”Please, baby, let me withhold you.”
8.”Technically, having sex with me is a charitable gift.”
7.”In my office, ‘I.R.S.’ stands for ‘I’m really sexy.’ ”
6.”If I help you screw Uncle Sam, can I be next?”
5.”You’re entitled to a $5,000 tax break on your municipal bond income…now let’s do it.”
4.”Let’s fill out a 1040 — you’re a 10, and I’m 40.”
3.”You’re the kind of girl I could take home to mother – which is good, since I still live with her.”
2.”Lady, you make my pants file for an extension.”
Top 10 Ways To Make Doing Your Taxes More Fun – © David Letterman
10. Do ’em naked.
9. Instead of a restaurant receipt, send them leftovers from the meal in question.
8. Frequent use of the word “eleventeen.”
7. Claim a deduction, do a shot!
6. In “For Office Use Only” area write “Approved. Send refund immediately.”
5. Apply a long-term capital gain rate of 20% to a mutual fund, do a shot!
4. Sneeze on forms.
3. Instead of using dated definition of income, use the proposed revised definition under section 643(B) in which conforming amendments are made to regulations affecting ordinary trusts, pooled income funds, charitable remainder trusts, trusts that qualify for the gift and estate tax marital deduction, and trusts that are exempt from generation-skipping transfer taxes — that always puts a smile on my face.
2. Deduct $100 in medical expenses for all the paper cuts you suffered because tax form is 75 damn pages long!
1. Audit yourself, if you know what I mean.
Top 10 Signs You Work in Public Accounting/Consulting
10. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their processes.
9. You get all excited it’s Saturday so you can wear casual clothes to work.
8. You refer to the tomatoes in your garden as deliverables.
7. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for living.
6. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.
5. You wear gray to work instead of navy blue to make a bold fashion statement.
4. You know the people at the airport and hotel better than your next door neighbors.
3. Ask your friends to “think out of box” when making Friday night plans.
2. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix.
1. You think a “half-day” means leaving at 5 o’clock.
You Might Be An Accountant If…
•You refer to your child as Deduction 214
•You dedut Ex-lax as “moving expenses”
•You have no idea that GAP is also a clothing store
•At the movie Indecent Proposal you did a NPV calculation
•Getting to sleep is an exciting event that you look forward to all day long
•Your idea of thrashing your hotel room is refusing to fill out hte guest comment card
•You are doing it now becuse you checked the file and found that you did it last year
•You decide to change your name to a symbol and you choose the double underline “========”
If Excel Were a Car…
•It would crash two or three times per day for no apparent reason. The driver is often hurt, but the car itself receives no permanent damage. You’d just accept this fact, restart the car, and begin your trip again.
•Occasionally, your car would fail to restart after a crash, and you’d have to reinstall the engine. For some strange reason, you’d just accept this too.
•You would be forced to buy a new model every 18 months, and your old model would have no resale value. Each new model would be bigger that the previous one, require more gas, and would operate differently. Furthermore, parts from the old car would not be interchangeable with the new car.
•You could call a special phone number when you had a problem. The phone would be staffed by people who know less about your car than you do.
•There would be a special Macintosh model, powered by the sun. However, it would only run on 5 percent of the roads and require different driving skills.
•You would have to spend additional money to buy the operating manuals. The oil, engine, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single warning light: “This car has performed an illegal operation.”
•Before engaging, the airbag system would display a message, “Are you sure?”
•Every time you looked under the hood, an obnoxious cartoon character would appear and ask if you need help. No matter how many time you refused help, it would keep appearing.
•A special feature would let you automatically record the route for a particular trip, so you could repeat the trip automatically later on. However, after repeating the trip you always end up at a different location.
Genie in a Lamp
A man was walking along a beach when he found a lamp. Upon rubbing the lamp a genie appeared who stated “I am the most powerful genie in the world. Because I am so powerful, I can grant you any wish you want, but only one wish.
The man pulled out a map of the Mediterranean area and said “I’d like there to be peace among the people in the middle east.”
The genie responded, “Gee, I don’t know. Those people have been fighting since the beginning of time. They are always going to be fighting. I can do just about anything, but this is beyond my limits.”
The man then said, “Well, my staff is switching to Excel. I wonder if you could teach them this VBA thing.”
Genie: “Uh, let me see that map again.”
A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero.” The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your girlfriend for an entire week.”
The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll marry you, cook your meals, and do your laundry.” Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you that I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll marry you, I’ll cook your meals and even do your laundry. Why won’t you kiss me?”
The man said, “Look, I’m an accountant. I don’t have time for a wife, but a talking frog is cool!
“Accountants Are Not Stupid” Convention
The host of the show in the stadium says “We are all here today to prove to the world that Accountants are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?” One Accountant steps up. The host says to him “What is 15 plus 15?” After 15 or 20 seconds he says “Eighteen.”
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 Accountants start cheering “Give him another chance, give him another chance.” The host says “Well since we’ve gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you here and the world wide press, I guess we can give him another chance.”
So he says “What is 5 plus 5?” After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says “Ninety?” The host sighs – everyone is crestfallen and the Accountants starts crying and 80,000 accountants start yelling “Give him another chance, give him another chance.”
The host, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says “Ok! One more chance. What is 2 plus 2?” The accountant closes his eyes and after a whole minute eventually says “Four.”
Around the stadium 80,000 accountants start yelling “Give him another chance, give him another chance.”
Hot Air Balloon
A man piloting a hot air balloon discovers that he has wandered off course and is hopelessly lost. He descends to a lower altitude and locates a man on the ground. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”
The man below says, “Yes, you are in a hot air balloon, about thirty feet above this field.”
“You must be an accountant,” says the balloonist.
“Yes I am” replies the man. “And how did you know that”
“Well” says the balloonist, “what you tell me is technically correct, but of no use to anyone.”
The man below says, “You must be a manager.”
“Well, yes I am” replies the balloonist, “how did you know?”
“Well”, says the accountant, “you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, but you expect my immediate help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”
Two accountants are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two’s hand. Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, “What is this?” to which accountant number one replies, “it’s that $50 I owe you.”
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. “Doctor, I just can’t get to sleep at night.”
“Have you tried counting sheep?”
“That’s the problem – I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.”
Marry An Accountant
A patient was at her doctor’s office after undergoing a complete physical exam. The doctor said, “I have some very grave news for you. You only have six months to live.”
The patient asked, “Oh doctor, what should I do?”
The doctor replied, “Marry an accountant.”
“Will that make me live longer?” asked the patient.
“No,” said the doctor, “but it will SEEM longer.”
A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, “Want to hear an accountant joke?”
The guy next to him replies, “Well, before you tell that joke, you should know that I’m 6 feet tall, 200 pounds, and I’m an accountant. And the guy sitting next to me is 6’2″ tall, 225 pounds, and he’s an accountant. Now, do you still want to tell that joke?”
The first guy says, “No, I don’t want to have to explain it two times.”
There once was a business owner who was interviewing people for a division manager position. He decided to select the individual that could answer the question “how much is 2+2?”
The engineer pulled out his slide rule and shuffled it back and forth, and finally announced, “It lies between 3.98 and 4.02”.
The mathematician said, “In two hours I can demonstrate it equals 4 with the following short proof.”
The physicist declared, “It’s in the magnitude of 1×101.”
The logician paused for a long while and then said, “This problem is solvable.”
The social worker said, “I don’t know the answer, but I a glad that we discussed this important question.
The attorney stated, “In the case of Svenson vs. the State, 2+2 was declared to be 4.”
The trader asked, “Are you buying or selling?”
The accountant looked at the business owner, then got out of his chair, went to see if anyone was listening at the door and pulled the drapes. Then he returned to the business owner, leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, “What would you like it to be?”
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the best man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice ” I’d like to try the bet” After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man “what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?” The man replied “I work for the IRS.”