Best Accounting Jokes

best accounting jokes

Best Accounting Jokes

One-Liners

  • Ever wonder why they call it a Form 1040?
    For every $50 you earn, you get $10, they get $40.
  • What is the definition of an accountant?
    Someone who solves a problem you did not know you had in a way you don’t understand.
  • How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?
    How much money do you have?
  • What is the definition of a good tax accountant?
    Someone who has a loophole named after him.
  • When does a person decide to become an accountant?
    When he realizes he doesn’t have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.
  • What does an accountant use for birth control?
    His personality.
  • What’s an extroverted accountant?
    One who looks at your shoes while he is talking to you instead of his own.
  • What is an auditor?
    Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets the wounded.
  • Why did the auditor cross the road?
    Because he looked in the file and that’s what they did last year.
  • Why did the auditor get run over crossing the road?
    Auditors never actually do the risk assessment well until after the accident happens.
  • How do you drive an accountant completely insane?
    Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold a road map the wrong way.
  • What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don’t?
    Depreciation.
  • If an accountant’s wife cannot sleep, what does she say?
    “Darling, tell me about your work.”
  • What did the accountant say when he got a blank check?
    My deductions have at last caught up with the salary.
  • Why did the accountant start smoking?
    So he can deduct cigarettes from his income tax. Called it loss by fire.
  • How does an accountant stay out of debt?
    He learns to act his wage.
  • Where do homeless accountants live?
    In a tax shelter.
  • Did you hear about the constipated accountant?
    He couldn’t budget, so he had to work it out with paper and pencil.
  • Did you hear about the shy and retiring accountant?
    The accountant is $1 million shy and hence is retiring.
  • There are just three types of accountants:
    Those who can count and those who can’t.
  • An accountant can never really die; they just lose their balance.
  • In God we trust; all others we audit.

Definitions of Accountants

  • Definition of an Accountant
    Someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.
    If an accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing, then surely an accountant is someone who costs everything and is worth nothing!
  • Definition of an Auditor
    One who arrives after the battle is lost and bayonets the wounded.
  • Definition of an Attorney
    One who arrives after the auditor and strips the bodies.
  • Definition of an Actuary
    An accountant without a sense of humor.
  • Definition of an Economist
    Someone who didn’t have enough personality to become an accountant.
  • Definition of a CFO
    The person who can smell an expense a mile away but can’t remember where they left their receipts.
  • Definition of a Controller
    One who tries to keep the chaos in the accounting department to a minimum by controlling the coffee supply and the petty cash box.

Newton’s Laws of Accounting

  1. For every accountant, there is an equal and opposite accountant.
  2. Both of them are wrong.

Top 10 Signs Your Accountant is Nuts – © David Letterman

10. In several places on your tax forms, he’s written, “Give or take a million dollars.”
9. Tells you to put all your money into British cattle futures.
8. You notice that his “calculator” is just a broken VCR remote.
7. Insists that there is no such number as four.
6. He laughed at Bob Dole background check (I am sorry – that’s a sign he is hypnotized).
5. Counts family of squirrels living in your yard as dependents.
4. Advises to save you postage by filing your taxes telepathically.
3. Instead of a CPA license, he’s got a framed photo of a shirtless Alex Trebek.
2. Demands that you call “Una-countant.”
1. He’s got a 1040 form tattooed on his ……….

Top 10 Signs You’ve Hired a Bad Accountant – © David Letterman

10. You hear him on the phone saying, “Have I ever let you down, Leona?”
9. Instead of IRS, sends your completed tax return to UPS
8. His “short form” looks suspiciously like a cocktail napkin
7. He lets you list your imaginary friend as dependent
6. Lists every time you laughed at Letterman as “charitable donation”
5. Used to be some kind of financial big-shot in Orange County
4. Announced he donated all your assets to O.J.’s defense fund
3. On the 1040, he lists your occupation as “sucker”
2. At least five times, he says “here’s a little trick I taught Darryl Strawberry.”
1. He makes you wear a hospital gown

Top 10 Pick-Up Lines of Accountants – © David Letterman

10.”You’ve got a lovely pair of W-2’s.”
9.”Please, baby, let me withhold you.”
8.”Technically, having sex with me is a charitable gift.”
7.”In my office, ‘I.R.S.’ stands for ‘I’m really sexy.’ ”
6.”If I help you screw Uncle Sam, can I be next?”
5.”You’re entitled to a $5,000 tax break on your municipal bond income…now let’s do it.”
4.”Let’s fill out a 1040 — you’re a 10, and I’m 40.”
3.”You’re the kind of girl I could take home to mother – which is good, since I still live with her.”
2.”Lady, you make my pants file for an extension.”
1.”Nice assets.”

Top 10 Ways To Make Doing Your Taxes More Fun – © David Letterman

10. Do ’em naked.
9. Instead of a restaurant receipt, send them leftovers from the meal in question.
8. Frequent use of the word “eleventeen.”
7. Claim a deduction, do a shot!
6. In “For Office Use Only” area write “Approved. Send refund immediately.”
5. Apply a long-term capital gain rate of 20% to a mutual fund, do a shot!
4. Sneeze on forms.
3. Instead of using dated definition of income, use the proposed revised definition under section 643(B) in which conforming amendments are made to regulations affecting ordinary trusts, pooled income funds, charitable remainder trusts, trusts that qualify for the gift and estate tax marital deduction, and trusts that are exempt from generation-skipping transfer taxes — that always puts a smile on my face.
2. Deduct $100 in medical expenses for all the paper cuts you suffered because tax form is 75 damn pages long!
1. Audit yourself, if you know what I mean.

Top 10 Signs You Work in Public Accounting/Consulting

10. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their processes.
9. You get all excited it’s Saturday so you can wear casual clothes to work.
8. You refer to the tomatoes in your garden as deliverables.
7. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for living.
6. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.
5. You wear gray to work instead of navy blue to make a bold fashion statement.
4. You know the people at the airport and hotel better than your next door neighbors.
3. Ask your friends to “think out of box” when making Friday night plans.
2. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix.
1. You think a “half-day” means leaving at 5 o’clock.

Bonus Signs You Work in Public Accounting

  • You track your personal chores in 15-minute increments for “billing purposes.”
  • Your kids think your first name is “OutOfOffice.”

You Might Be an Accountant If…

  • You refer to your child as Deduction 214.
  • You deduct Ex-lax as “moving expenses.”
  • You have no idea that GAP is also a clothing store.
  • At the movie Indecent Proposal you did a Net Present Value (NPV) calculation.
  • Getting to sleep is an exciting event that you look forward to all day long.
  • Your idea of thrashing your hotel room is refusing to fill out the guest comment card.
  • You are doing it now because you checked the file and found that you did it last year.
  • You decide to change your name to a symbol and choose the double underline “========.”
  • You name your pets “Debit” and “Credit.”
  • Every time you tip at a restaurant, you consider it a “rounding error.”

If Excel Were a Car…

  • It would crash two or three times per day for no apparent reason. The driver is often hurt, but the car itself receives no permanent damage. You’d just accept this fact, restart the car, and begin your trip again.
  • Occasionally, your car would fail to restart after a crash, and you’d have to reinstall the engine. You’d just accept this too.
  • You would be forced to buy a new model every 18 months, and your old model would have no resale value. Each new model would be bigger than the previous one, require more gas, and operate differently. Furthermore, parts from the old car would not be interchangeable with the new car.
  • You could call a special phone number when you had a problem. The phone would be staffed by people who know less about your car than you do.
  • There would be a special Macintosh model, powered by the sun. However, it would only run on 5 percent of the roads and require different driving skills.
  • You would have to spend additional money to buy the operating manuals. The oil, engine, gas, and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single warning light: “This car has performed an illegal operation.”
  • Before engaging, the airbag system would display a message, “Are you sure?”
  • Every time you looked under the hood, an obnoxious cartoon character would appear and ask if you need help. No matter how many times you refused help, it would keep appearing.
  • A special feature would let you automatically record the route for a particular trip, so you could repeat the trip automatically later on. However, after repeating the trip, you always end up at a different location.
  • If you turned on the radio, half the time the speakers would start playing 90s pop music at full blast, and you’d have to restart to make it stop.
  • Every upgrade would promise better gas mileage, but usually just give you new cupholders and bigger blind spots.

Genie in a Lamp

A man was walking along a beach when he found a lamp. Upon rubbing the lamp, a genie appeared who stated, “I am the most powerful genie in the world. Because I am so powerful, I can grant you any wish you want, but only one wish.”

The man pulled out a map of the Mediterranean area and said, “I’d like there to be peace among the people in the Middle East.”

The genie responded, “Gee, I don’t know. Those people have been fighting since the beginning of time. They’re always going to be fighting. I can do just about anything, but this is beyond my limits.”

The man then said, “Well, my staff is switching to Excel. I wonder if you could teach them this VBA thing.”

Genie: “Uh, let me see that map again.”


Talking Frog

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again: “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I’ll tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you’re my hero.” The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog spoke up again: “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I will be your girlfriend for an entire week.”
The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll marry you, cook your meals, and do your laundry.” Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? Why won’t you kiss me?”

The man said, “Look, I’m an accountant. I don’t have time for a wife, but a talking frog is cool!”


“Accountants Are Not Stupid” Convention

The host of the show in the stadium says, “We are all here today to prove to the world that Accountants are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?” One Accountant steps up. The host says to him, “What is 15 plus 15?” After 15 or 20 seconds, he says, “Eighteen.”

Everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 Accountants start cheering, “Give him another chance, give him another chance!” The host says, “Well, since we’ve gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you here and the worldwide press, I guess we can give him another chance.”

So he says, “What is 5 plus 5?” After nearly 30 seconds, he eventually says, “Ninety?” The host sighs—everyone is crestfallen, and the Accountant starts crying. Then 80,000 accountants start yelling, “Give him another chance, give him another chance!”

The host, unsure whether he’s doing more harm than good, eventually says, “Okay! One more chance. What is 2 plus 2?” The accountant closes his eyes and after a whole minute eventually says, “Four.”

Around the stadium, 80,000 accountants start yelling, “Give him another chance, give him another chance!”


Hot Air Balloon

A man piloting a hot air balloon discovers that he has wandered off course and is hopelessly lost. He descends to a lower altitude and locates a man on the ground. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”

The man below says, “Yes, you are in a hot air balloon, about thirty feet above this field.”

“You must be an accountant,” says the balloonist.

“Yes, I am,” replies the man. “How did you know that?”

“Well,” says the balloonist, “what you tell me is technically correct, but of no use to anyone.”

The man below says, “You must be a manager.”

“Yes, I am,” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well,” says the accountant, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect my immediate help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but somehow now it’s my fault.”


Robbers

Two accountants are in a bank when armed robbers burst in. While several robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers—including the two accountants—up against a wall and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on, accountant number one jams something into accountant number two’s hand. Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, “What is this?” to which accountant number one replies, “It’s that $50 I owe you.”

Counting Sheep

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. “Doctor, I just can’t get to sleep at night.”

“Have you tried counting sheep?”

“That’s the problem—I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.”


Marry An Accountant

A patient was at her doctor’s office after undergoing a complete physical exam. The doctor said, “I have some very grave news for you. You only have six months to live.”

The patient asked, “Oh doctor, what should I do?”

The doctor replied, “Marry an accountant.”

“Will that make me live longer?” asked the patient.

“No,” said the doctor, “but it will SEEM longer.”

A Tax Accountant Joke

A guy in a bar jokes to the guy next to him, “Want to hear top accounting jokes?”

The guy next to him replies, “Well, before you tell that joke, you should know that I’m 6 feet tall, 200 pounds, and I’m an accountant. And the guy sitting next to me is 6’2″ tall, 225 pounds, and he’s an accountant. Now, do you still want to tell that joke?”

The first guy says, “No, I don’t want to have to explain it two times.”


Interview

There once was a business owner who was interviewing people for a division manager position. He decided to select the individual who could answer the question “How much is 2+2?”

  • The engineer pulled out his slide rule and shuffled it back and forth, and finally announced, “It lies between 3.98 and 4.02.”
  • The mathematician said, “In two hours I can demonstrate it equals 4 with the following short proof.”
  • The physicist declared, “It’s in the magnitude of 1×10^1.”
  • The logician paused for a long while and then said, “This problem is solvable.”
  • The social worker said, “I don’t know the answer, but I’m glad that we discussed this important question.”
  • The attorney stated, “In the case of Svenson vs. the State, 2+2 was declared to be 4.”
  • The trader asked, “Are you buying or selling?”
  • The accountant looked at the business owner, went to see if anyone was listening at the door, pulled the drapes, then returned and leaned across the desk to say in a low voice, “What would you like it to be?”

Lemon Squeezer

The local bar was so sure its bartender was the best around that it offered a standing $1000 bet:
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, then hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it.

One day, a scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and in a tiny squeaky voice said, “I’d like to try the bet.” After the laughter died down, the bartender said OK. He grabbed a lemon, squeezed away, then handed the wrinkled remains to the little man.

But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as six drops fell into the glass when the little man clenched his fist around the lemon. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000 and asked, “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?”

The little man replied, “I work for the IRS.”


“The Dreaded Spreadsheet Crash”

An accountant stayed up all night finalizing a massive spreadsheet for an audit. Just before clicking “Save,” Excel crashed. Panicking, he restarted the program, only to see a blank file.

He whispered to himself, “Now I understand the meaning of intangible assets… all my hopes and dreams just disappeared into thin air.”

From that day forward, he saved every 30 seconds.


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Alan Olsen, is the Host of the American Dreams Show and the Managing Partner of GROCO.com.  GROCO is a premier family office and tax advisory firm located in the San Francisco Bay area serving clients all over the world.

 

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